TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Of course, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town historically recognized for historical tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be huge. Tremendous!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed with the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and solely from put. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have another place exactly where American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: give Anyone a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly tender power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It truly is that he need to stop making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the venture, replied, "You already know, man, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Good men and women. Great tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping varieties a large Trump head seen from Area, a characteristic becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following finding the setting up's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not simply ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Capabilities


Probably the strangest component on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests could ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with local climate Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-year-aged Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Approach: "In case you Bomb It, They may Appear"


The advertisement marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is For good."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where's the closest elevator for the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is presently attracting attention from Global investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level may even include:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to find out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort in which my PTSD may have change-down support."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Trump Tower Damascus Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Last Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It desired gold. It required a waterslide formed similar to the Constitution. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

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